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In June of 1999, I was riding through my favorite forest park near Memphis Tn. I was crying incessantly. I was so beaten and confused and lost. My wife had committed suicide a few weeks before after a 15 year rough ride of Manic Depression and demon possession and suicide attempts and money spending. My two daughters were blaming me because I had filed for a divorce and she did it after she was served the papers. Her brother had also told them it was my fault, because I signed the papers to pull the plug when she was declared brain dead. I owned a painting and contracting company and had tried to go to work a few days later, but was emotionally broken. I literally could not take another step. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was despondent. I was praying and begging God to kill me. I had sworn to my daughter that I wouldn’t do what Momma did but I could not see how my life would go on. I got to the part of the drive in the Forest that is called the “one way”, a scenic part that is narrow and curvy and goes along a few bluffs with drop offs. I forget exactly what I was doing besides crying at that moment, when from somewhere right behind my head, like on the back of my head between my ears, I heard, “Let go of the wheel”. I brushed it off and kept going, although I was surprised and confused by it, and quit crying. I started crying again and I heard again “let go of the wheel”. So many people over the weeks before had asked me if I was ok, and I was maintaining and putting one foot in front of the other, but I almost fell apart over this. I screamed at God something like, ” You know what I have been through and how I am falling apart, why are you pushing me over the edge?!!!” Wide eyed I kept going, came to the end of the one way, and made it to the part of the park where it overlooks the Mississippi River and has a boat ramp and parking lot. I got out of the truck and knelt down and took a deep breath, and I heard “I’m not talking about your truck, I’m talking about your life”.
After her suicide and the things that went with it, I was very alone. I dated alot of women who were not good. I begged God to send me someone good and Christian.I met a good Christian woman whos husband had deserted her. On the first date she told me she had three teenage girls. With my two that made 5, all with huge issues. The hormone holocaust was hard but nothing compared to living with my first wife. Business took off and we were successful and blessed. My oldest moved out and her oldest moved out and life got really nice. Then the second hardest thing I’ve ever went though happened. My dad was my anchor. He was Godly and taught me hard work and humility and not to follow the crowd. And then he died. I was raised Catholic by him and was very active in the Church right up until his death. For some reason, after he died, I felt free to investigate the problems I had with the church doctrine (the ones I knew about). He died 6/07, and I started reading the Bible cover to cover starting that July. Then, about the first week in August that year, I went on a little spiritual trip with God. The first few days were incredible. A feeling you cannot explain of complete euphoria while looking at the stars, and just existing. I could not sleep. My neighbor asked me if I had started using cocaine. I was not. And it happened. Sitting on the back of my truck, looking up at the stars, watching a meteor shower, that voice came again. Like the last time, right between the back of my ears behind my head. It simply said, “It’s about to get bad, you need to get ready”. I told my wife about it and told her we needed to market the house, immediately. So she told my family what happened and they all had me go to a Psycologist who perscribed me sleeping pills and anti-depressants. But I know what I heard and felt. I was compliant, because I knew how it must have seemed to all of them, and even took the medicine foe a little while ( I weened off of it shortly after), Maintained my Company and composure, and kept begging my wife to sell the house. She finally agreed by that winter, and we sold the big house in early 2008, and moved into a little foreclosure we had bought on the courthouse steps. A few weeks later the economic do do hit the fan. For sale signs went up everywhere and prices went through the floor. My work also went through the floor. One month in the summer of 2009 I had 3 calls. Not Jobs, just phone calls. My wife had been a housekeeper and manager for a rich family, and we knew she would have to get another job because of his age, so we got tuition assistance and sent her to school and lived off of the equity. That next spring, in 2010, two weeks before my wife was going to have to quit her part time housekeeping job from the rich man to go to school full time, he died. The timing was unreal. (well, nothing is coincidence)
In the summer of 2009, I had alot of time on my hands, and a lot of spiritual questions and research I was doing. I was getting nowhere with the Catholic church and the things that I was wanting answers to. Then, Another thing happened. I had read all of the Bible and wanted more. I had discovered the Book of Enoch and the quote from Jude referencing it. So I had a thirst for reading it, and searched online for it, and found it on this site. I read it and really enjoyed it. It filled in alot of blanks for me like where the fall of the angles came from and such. And then I discovered the Forums. Oh wow. Good and bad came from that. I had lots of time to spend debating scriptures and doctrines. I met alot of colorful people with all kinds of opinions of “The truth”.My favorite was Shimmer. She didn’t agree with me on some things but was always nice and not mean spirited like some seemed to be. At times I seemed to get drug into the pit and was not loving at all. She put her differences in a nice way. I won’t get obsessed with hashing out multiple beliefs of God again. I begged God to guide me, and that was part of it. One lady I will say the one person that changed my life there was “irene”. She had been Catholic too and had left the church over questions too. She also showed me how I was participating in an “abomination” as she put it and said all Catholics were lost. Very Judgemental. But, with an open mind, I researched what she said and found that she was right about the main thing they profess as “truth”, the sacrifice of the mass, and the statues, and the “veneration” of Mary, etc. etc. So I was thrown into another loop. After much debating on here and prayerful reading of the Bible, I decided to do what Jesus asked for, to show mercy to my neighbor as serving him and his Father. I still feed homeless downtown. I help with a non-denominational church at a nursing home. They even get me to give the message twice a month. I love it. It took a while to get used to the screams once in a while from a confused elderly person, or the smell of “accidents” when I go onto some rooms, but I feel like its real service and worship, and what God wants from me in scripture. I do miss regular church where I grew up sometimes. I go on occasion. I went last Wednesday to Ash Wednesday service with my family. I’m all about the repentance and ashes, not so much on the sacrificing or rituals. The first part of the mass is ok with me, its scripture. The last half I just prayed, “Forgive them Lord, they do not know what they are doing, and forgive me, a sinner”. Peace and love to all. I’m glad you were part of my Journey, and are part of it when I have time. Shimmer, if your still out there, contact me. I miss you
My neighbor asked me if I had started using cocaine. I was not.
Hi Mark,
How about alcohol? Have you quit using alcohol?
Yes Ed J, I still drink alcohol. Especially when I am fishing. My favorite beer is Fat Tire. I can’t wait to taste the wine in heaven with Jesus. Its been over a year since I have had a cigarette though. I feel much better and I have saved thousands of dollars. 2 packs a day at 6$ a pack. I really have noticed the difference in my health and my bank account. My dentist noticed without me even telling her just from looking at my gums. On occasion I do smoke a little pot. It relaxes me from being worked up when I have had to paint for people like you that do nothing productive for the Kingdom, but complain disagree and divide and Judge others, while ignoring the plank in your eye and fingers 🙂
Are you still blaspheming God by saying that sin was separated from him on the cross like you wrote in that book?
My friend that lived up by you died of Liver cancer Ed. But I will never forget the way you treated me on the phone that day. Peace man.
(1)people like you that do nothing productive for the Kingdom, but complain disagree and divide and Judge others, while ignoring the plank in your eye and fingers 🙂
(2)Are you still blaspheming God by saying that sin was separated from him on the cross like you wrote in that book?
(3)My friend that lived up by you died of Liver cancer Ed. (4)But I will never forget the way you treated me on the phone that day. (5)Peace man.
Hi Mark,
1) Your words are a little harsh here, no?
2) I never said sin was separated from God on the cross
…(did you know that bearing ‘false witness’ is a sin)3) Sorry to hear that.
4) Really, how was that?
5) Shalom to you as well._______________
God bless
Ed JQuote (Ed J @ Dec. 22 2011,01:40)Quote (mikeangel @ Dec. 21 2011,05:17)Quote (mikeangel @ Dec. 20 2011,23:35)Mr. Ed,This is from you own table of contents. It speaks for itself-Quote 7) How evil was separated from GOD……………………..……………….…….…….page 11† CrossYes or No, Is this from you?Hi Mark,Are you suggesting the book speaks for itself, or what is in the book speaks for itself?God blessEd J (Joshua 22:34) http://www.holycitybiblecode.orgCan you give a simple answer to a direct question? I’ll help you. YES! You wrote this. You state how YOU believe evil was separated from God. I state YOU are wrong, IMO, because evil has NEVER, EVER been in God. NO SPIN! SIMPLE TO THE REST OF SANE PROPLE! How can you separate something that is not there?
Man. Blast from the past. You are and were IMHO adding to the word of God Ed. Not very wise IMHO. Peace Ed.
Mikeangel,
I read some of what you wrote but my attention span is too short.
I did see where you claim that some family blame you for your wives suicide but that is absurd since she made a free will choice based on the circumstances. You contributed to some stressful circumstances but God judges your heart for all your contributions to life and not actions that others take. The demon she had was more to blame for he choice than you action and he will only be found guilty of the tempting her; and that with his knowledge of her vulnerabilities he exploited.
It was some time ago but it was a model of what humanity experiences to this day. I am sorry your first wife died.
Thanks Kerwin. sorry so drawn out. Yes, I had contributing factors. And Ignored God because I was so young and stupid and clueless. It says in Psalms somewhere “God breaks the teeth of the sinners” and he broke mine as a warning but I was too arrogant to see him in my life. On our second date after we were fixed up on a blind date, I learned that neither she or her family attended church, and she was not even baptised. It didn’t mean that much to me then. I still dated her. She was super fine and built like satan knows I like. And that night we went to a Mall and saw a movie I think and went to Spencers, a shop that I always thought was cool but this time had money to spend. I was 17 and had a job and some money. I bought a blacklight, and alot of Huge Rock and Roll Posters of my favorite bands. Led Zepplin, Journey, Triumph etc. etc. At that point I was not aware of the dark lyrics and Idolization of Rock “Stars”. On the way home after dropping her off, I came over a hill and came upon a wreck , and looked over at it and the flashing lights, not noticing that another dark car had stopped in the middle of the road in my lane with no lights on. I rear ended it and bent the steering wheel with my mouth and put a hole in the winshield with my head, and broke all of my four lower front teeth out. Right after that the girl I had just broken up with started coming over and seeing me again, and I did not go out with “J” again. To my surprise one of my best friends started dating her. And then got her pregnant. And then talked her into getting an abortion, and then dropped her like a hot rock, and her mom found out and kicked her out, and for some reason I felt that it was my fault and moved her out and started dating her, and right after high school she got pregnant with my kid, and even though I knew she was bi polar, I married her and dropped out of collage and started painting. Whew! Alot of history there. I know I’ve lost you in your attention span. But anyway, after several rounds and years of spending sprees and suicide attempts and drama like you have no idea, I told her, “The next time you drop me on my head Is the last time, I’m not going to make it and be here for the girls like this”. She said she would never let me divorce her, and she ment it.
My family thought she was a witch. Her family thought I was wrong for not staying in it. It was a mess. But we are all ok no, 15 years later.
By the way, every member of that family has died terrible painful deaths, or is insane (or possessed). The brother is in California and is bedridden and morbidly obese. There were alot of sexual molestation and emotional abuse going on. Her Grandfather was a Shriner and I think abused her and her mom. Like most I wish I knew then what I do now, but glad I’m here 🙂
Sin and Evil is verry painful, sooner or later. To repent and serve God and goodness is light and Joy. Peace
Thanks T8
(2)Are you still blaspheming God by saying that sin was separated from him on the cross like you wrote in that book?
Hi Mark,
(2)I never said sin was separated from God on the cross
…(did you know that bearing ‘false witness’ is a sin)Hi Mark,
Do you now agree that I never said that?
(1)people like you that do nothing productive for the Kingdom, but complain disagree and divide and Judge others, while ignoring the plank in your eye and fingers 🙂
Hi Mark,
Who is judging whom here?
I never said sin was separated from God on the cross
…(did you know that bearing ‘false witness’ is a sin)Ed,
I don’t think Mark is “bearing false witness”.
Didn’t you say that sin/ evil was separated from Christ on the cross?Mr. Ed.
You were the main reason I took a 5 year break from posting here. I was sinning in my responses to you and you were bringing out negative things in me publicly. I believe the written public word carries much more weight than just spoken words because of the multiplication of reading, especially books. Your book says it all to me, and you will have to answer to God for it, not me. Just imho I would not be adding your opinions to the Bible and stating them as truth as you do in your book. “How evil was separated from God” will be very hard to explain to Jesus, who was born, lived and died perfect with no evil (or sin). Don’t try to say that sin and evil are separate. Peace and love to you man. Mark
Ed,
(1)I don’t think Mark is “bearing false witness”.
(2)Didn’t you say that sin/evil was separated from Christ on the cross?1) Mark has since corrected himself – and my point is simply that he admit this error.
Which he may stubbornly now try to justify since you appear to be supporting his error.
If your goal here is to support his error you will receive no help from me – sorry ……. Ed J2) No.
Mr. Ed.
(1)I believe the written public word carries much more weight than just spoken words because of the multiplication of reading, especially books. (2)Your book says it all to me, (3)and you will have to answer to God for it, not me. (4)Just imho I would not be adding your opinions to the Bible and stating them as truth as you do in your book. (5)“How evil was separated from God” will be very hard to explain to Jesus, who was born, lived and died perfect with no evil (or sin). (7)Don’t try to say that sin and evil are separate. Peace and love to you man. Mark
Hi Mark,
1) You mean books more than forums I assume.
2) Thank you that was my goal – full disclosure
3) “Every man’s work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it,
because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man’s work
of what sort it is. If any man’s work abide which he hath built thereupon, he
shall receive a reward. If any man’s work shall be burned, he shall suffer
loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire.” (1Cor.3:13-15)4) If you mean what you say, then you will never be writing any books; correct?
5) Do you believe Jesus is God? (– this is a serious question, please answer)
“So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.” (Romans 14:12)6) Is Lucifer sin? (– this is a serious question, please answer)
_______________
God bless
Ed JMr. Ed.
You were the main reason I took a 5 year break from posting here. I was sinning in my responses to you and you were bringing out negative things in me publicly
Hi Mark,
Sorry my friend, but you cannot blame me for what comes out of you.
“For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders,
Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness:
All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.” (Mark 7:21-23)1)Didn’t you say that sin/evil was separated from Christ on the cross?
1) No.
Ed, you did. Here’s your writing from your book.
17. 7. How evil was separated from GOD: The † Cross=74 Jesus=74 was responsible for an absolutely remarkable occurrence at the crucifixion [†]; evil was forever separated from the “GOD Spirit”. With Jesus’ death, a separation occurred between the spirits of (‘Lucifer’=74 & GOD Spirit=117). Jesus said to GOD the Father=117, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this [crucifixion] from me:nevertheless not my will, but thine (GOD’s Will=101), be done.” (Luke 22:42) Jesus said “I have meat to eat that ye know not of.” Jesus also saith unto them,“My meat is to do the will of Him that sent Me, and to finish His work.” (John 4:32-34) The work that Jesus finished was this separation in Himself made between {Lucifer=74} and the [GOD Spirit=117], which occurred at His death.
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