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Here's one I heard recently:
A husband and wife were arguing over who's duty was it to get up early and brew the coffee?
Now the husband said it is your duty “you are my help mate”.
The wife replied but it is in the bible that you should brew the coffee. The bible doesn't say that! Where does it say That?
So she opened the bible to He-brews.
It was lunch time at an elementary school. There were apples piled up with a sign that said “only one God is watching”.
At the end of the line they had chocolate chip cookies one of the children said take all you want God is watching the apples
Let's see if I understand
how the world works lately…
*
If a man cuts his finger off
while slicing salami at work,he blames the restaurant.
*
If you smoke three packs a day
for 40 years and die of lung cancer,your family blames
the tobacco company.*
If your neighbor crashes into a tree
while driving home drunk,he blames the bartender.
*
If your grandchildren
are brats without manners,you blame television.
*
If your friend is shot
by a deranged madman,you blame the gun manufacturer.
*
And if a crazed person breaks into
the cockpit and tries to kill
the pilot at 35,000 feet,
and the passengers kill him instead,the mother of the crazed deceased
blames the airline .*
I must have lived too long
to understand the world anymore.So, if I die while my old, wrinkled fanny
is parked in front of this computer,I want all of you
to blame Bill Gates…okayPeace and Love Mrs,
Quote (IM4Truth @ Oct. 28 2007,12:25) Let's see if I understand how the world works lately…
*
If a man cuts his finger off
while slicing salami at work,he blames the restaurant.
*
If you smoke three packs a day
for 40 years and die of lung cancer,your family blames
the tobacco company.*
If your neighbor crashes into a tree
while driving home drunk,he blames the bartender.
*
If your grandchildren
are brats without manners,you blame television.
*
If your friend is shot
by a deranged madman,you blame the gun manufacturer.
*
And if a crazed person breaks into
the cockpit and tries to kill
the pilot at 35,000 feet,
and the passengers kill him instead,the mother of the crazed deceased
blames the airline .*
I must have lived too long
to understand the world anymore.So, if I die while my old, wrinkled fanny
is parked in front of this computer,I want all of you
to blame Bill Gates…okayPeace and Love Mrs,
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
>
> The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
> “Everything but my earrings.”
>
> *************************************************
> Alabama:
> A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
>
> “Where's Henry?” the others asked..
>
> “Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.”
>
> You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
>
> “A tough call,” nodded the hunter.
> “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”
>
> ********************** *****************************************
> Louisiana:
> A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying…
> “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”
>
> When asked why, he replied “he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
>
> ****************************** ****** **************************
> Mississippi:
> The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
>
> Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?
>
> “The young man answered, “I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.”
>
> *********************************************************
> Tennessee :
> A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
>
> The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
>
> The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
>
> **************************************************************
> North Carolina :
> A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
>
> A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
>
> The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”
>
> The passerby asked, “But what's with the flowers?”
>
> The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”
>
> ***************************************** *********************
>
> And My favorite:
>
> You can say what you want about the South,
> but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North…
>
Peace and Love Mrs.
Quote (IM4Truth @ Nov. 18 2007,18:47) The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
>
> The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
> “Everything but my earrings.”
>
> *************************************************
> Alabama:
> A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
>
> “Where's Henry?” the others asked..
>
> “Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.”
>
> You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
>
> “A tough call,” nodded the hunter.
> “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”
>
> ********************** *****************************************
> Louisiana:
> A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying…
> “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”
>
> When asked why, he replied “he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
>
> ****************************** ****** **************************
> Mississippi:
> The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
>
> Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?
>
> “The young man answered, “I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.”
>
> *********************************************************
> Tennessee :
> A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
>
> The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
>
> The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
>
> **************************************************************
> North Carolina :
> A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
>
> A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
>
> The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”
>
> The passerby asked, “But what's with the flowers?”
>
> The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”
>
> ***************************************** *********************
>
> And My favorite:
>
> You can say what you want about the South,
> but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North…
>
Peace and Love Mrs. Ok all but this one..
North Carolina :
> A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
>
> A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
>
> The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”
>
> The passerby asked, “But what's with the flowers?”
>
> The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neitherI live in North Carolina since 1986, but my accent aint that bad. I was raised in northern Virginia.
If you didnt get it, “flares” is the way a real southernor would pronounce “Flowers”.
Kinda like saying “Yaller” when they say “yellow”.
I think West Virginians speak more like that though!
I spent a couple weeks in west virginia once. Sometimes, the ones with strong accents, I literally couldn't understand them.
Yep Your right the Southerners have great food, tho all that grits. Yum, Yum. I eat it all the time now.
The first time we went down there through Georgia we had dinner. Wow it came in Bowls, food of every kind. Nice cooking. Nice eating, loved it.
Peace and Love Mrs.EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. His Mother was sure He was a God.But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oilBut then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.Peace and Love Mrs.
It's so dry in Georgia that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Episcopalians, Catholics, and Lutherans are praying for the wine to turn back into water.Now THAT's Dry.
Have a nice Day Mrs.
Quote (IM4Truth @ Dec. 01 2007,14:51) It's so dry in Georgia that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Episcopalians, Catholics, and Lutherans are praying for the wine to turn back into water.Now THAT's Dry.
Have a nice Day Mrs.
Thanks Mrs I need that!
Quote (IM4Truth @ Dec. 01 2007,14:51) It's so dry in Georgia that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Episcopalians, Catholics, and Lutherans are praying for the wine to turn back into water.Now THAT's Dry.
Have a nice Day Mrs.
Ken Your Welcome. Peace and Love Mrs.
Philippians 4:13 — I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called Jesus, you will make it to a place called Success.
Peace and Love Mrs.
Pass it on to those people whom you want to see blessed.
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP ……..
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,
but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the
true story.When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in
the United States. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India
answering telephones giving technical advice.Peace and Love Mrs.
Quote (IM4Truth @ Dec. 03 2007,07:06) FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP …….. For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,
but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the
true story.When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in
the United States. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India
answering telephones giving technical advice.Peace and Love Mrs.
NO?! Scratch and win?! Quote (kenrch @ Dec. 05 2007,01:28) Quote (IM4Truth @ Dec. 03 2007,07:06) FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP …….. For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,
but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the
true story.When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in
the United States. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India
answering telephones giving technical advice.Peace and Love Mrs.
NO?! Scratch and win?!
Ken Yah, funny funny, Ha Love Irene
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new
> >Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it
> >costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
> >
> >> An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
> >him.
> >
> >> The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of
> >car ya got there, sonny?”
> >
> >> The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
> >
> >> That's a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much
> >Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the doctor
> >proudly.
> >
> >> The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
> >> No problem,” replies the doctor.
> >
> >> So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
> >Then,sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That's a pretty nice
> >car, all right… but I'll stick with my Moped!”
> >
> >> Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man
> >just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
> >speedometer reads 160 mph.
> >
> >> Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
> >getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
> >>
> >> WHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
> >> “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks
> >himself.
> >
> >> He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then,
> >up head of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
> >
> >> Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
> >passes the Moped at 275 mph and He's feeling pretty good until he looks
> >in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
> >
> >> Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
> >takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
> >
> >> Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
> >The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
> >
> >> Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing
> >the rear end.
> >
> >> The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still
> >alive.
> >
> >> He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “I'm a doctor…. Is there
> >anything I can do for you?”
> >
> >> The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side view
> >mirror”.
>peace and Love Mrs. Hi Mandy,
I am well thanks.
Yes it is good to be back and defending the scriptures against all these new attacks from gnosticism, atheism, doubts and false religion.
Scripture always wins.> IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT BEFORE,
> IT WILL DEFINITELY MAKE YOUR DAY.
> IF YOU HAVE SEEN IT BEFORE,
> IT WILL DEFINITELY RE-MAKE YOUR DAY.
> *+*(((((*+*
>
> An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
> They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.
> He takes her hand and she responds, “Don't touch me.”
> “Why not?” he asked.
> She answered, “Because I'm dead.”
>
> The husband asked…”What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!”
> She said, “No, I'm definitely dead.”
> He insisted, “You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?”
>
> “Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”
>
>
> …………
>
>
> Remember…
> Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
>
>
>
>
> �…If it weren't for STRESS
> I'd have no energy at all.
>
>
> Whatever hits the fan…
> Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.
>
>
>
> Everyone has a photographic memory.
> Some, like me, just don't have any film.
>
>
> I always know…
> God won't give me more than I can handle
> There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
>
>
>
> Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff
>
>
>
>
> If the shoe fits… buy a pair in every color.
>
>
>
> Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out.
>
>
>
> Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian.
> Not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
> Bills travel through the mail…
>
> at twice the speed of checks.
>
>
> If you look like your passport picture…
> you probably need the trip.
>
>
>
> Some days are a total waste of makeup.
>
>
>
> Men are from earth.
> Women are from earth.
>
> Deal with it.
>
>
>
> A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
>
>
>
> Middle age is when broadness of the mind
> and narrowness of the waist change places.
>
>
>
> Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
>
>
>
> Junk is something you've kept for years
> and throw away three weeks before you need it.
>
>
> Experience is a wonderful thing.
> It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
>
> By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
>
> Learn from the mistakes of others.
> Trust me… you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
> I've tried!!
>
> Have A Wonderful Day!
Peace and Love Mrs.
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