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The Curtain Rods
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as the watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog……. Duh!
It was a long line and I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting “The Purina Diet” again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no…..I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.Ahhh, sweet revenge! That's a thought though…aromatic curtain rods. I wonder if I can put potpourri in mine and have it smell real nice all the time?? I could change it for the seasons-Apples n cinnamon for the fall maybe!!
Regarding the Purina diet…I think that I would prefer the Kibbles 'n bits diet
Thanks for the great ideas William!
Some are good for a good ole belly laugh!!
William,
My sides are splitting, LOL. If laughter is good medicine, almost 4 hours of that should cure anyone!!
Thanks for putting that on here, my kids and I were cracking up so much!
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here were the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably behind her back they call her “Forklift.”Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled–it's kinda cute.Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma?
Quote (seekingtruth @ Sep. 21 2012,19:52) …
Hi Wm,I don't get it?
God bless
Ed J (Joshua 22:34)
http://www.holycitybiblecode.orgQuote (Ed J @ Sep. 23 2012,08:13) Quote (seekingtruth @ Sep. 21 2012,19:52) …
Hi Wm,I don't get it?
God bless
Ed J (Joshua 22:34)
http://www.holycitybiblecode.org
You must be from Texas.Quote (seekingtruth @ Sep. 23 2012,12:34) Quote (Ed J @ Sep. 23 2012,08:13) Quote (seekingtruth @ Sep. 21 2012,19:52) …
Hi Wm,I don't get it?
God bless
Ed J (Joshua 22:34)
http://www.holycitybiblecode.org
You must be from Texas.
No, now can you explain the punch-line?Sorry Ed,
No punch-line, it is a passive ending to a funny story I had heard years ago. When I did a search for a clean version of it, this was the best I could find, most versions end with “no comment from judge #3” in other words he was out of the picture, passed out, catatonic…Quote (seekingtruth @ Sep. 23 2012,18:33) Sorry Ed,
No punch-line, it is a passive ending to a funny story I had heard years ago. When I did a search for a clean version of it, this was the best I could find, most versions end with “no comment from judge #3” in other words he was out of the picture, passed out, catatonic…
Hi Wm,I guess he drank too much and
fell over the last sample of chili, huh?
Sorry, but I just could not figure that out.God bless
Ed J (Joshua 22:34)
http://www.holycitybiblecode.orgQuote (Lightenup @ Feb. 27 2012,08:28) Go get your own dirt, ha…good one! This is some funny advice for you married men…
Lightenup,I do not know how to do it (uploading pictures and video. Can you lighten me up?
Thanks
Limjunus,
Go here, last post on the page:
https://heavennet.net/cgi-bin….6;st=30When you are on youtube, click on 'share,'
Then find the 'old embed code,'
Then copy 'old embed code' into your post,
Then just post it. You can practice in the thread that I linked you to.
Btw, I don't know how to do it from my ipad, just my laptop or desktop.
Good luck“Overheard” on a friend's Face Book:
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors.
Quote (mikeboll64 @ Oct. 06 2012,09:44) “Overheard” on a friend's Face Book: Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors.
HA Ha ha ha!!! …excellent!
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