Terrified

[Maranatha]

Two years ago, I started thinking about the things going on in the world, and I started thinking about the second coming of Christ. I was going through some personal problems (drugs, alcohol, watching porn, etc. etc.), and I begged God to help me and forgive me. I can’t remember if I asked Jesus or not.

At that moment, I had what some people have called an “extreme religious experience”. I heard what I believe to be God’s voice saying “I love you…you will be in Heaven with me!”.

At the same time, I felt incredible LOVE, and I instantly hated drugs, alcohol, porn, etc. I went from cussing like a sailor, to where cusswords actually hurt my ears! I fell in love with God at that moment. I saw visions of Jesus for one week. He walked next to me, holding my hand, and everywhere I turned, I saw Him.

I also “saw” a straight path-it was like God had set me on that path, and way up ahead was Heaven. I literally FELT an “upward pull”! It was like a connection with God-I felt an actual connection-like He was the Vine, and I was a branch.

My life was like I didn’t belong here anymore-it was weird, but I felt like a “foreigner” everywhere I went. I knew without a doubt that I was meant to be in Heaven with God. I would have died for Him right then, with no questions asked. This body meant nothing.

I had an incredible LOVE for everyone. My life on earth meant nothing anymore-all I wanted was to be in Heaven with Jesus. It was like a very strong yearning. I had strong desires to pray for people, and I was absolutely obsessed with reading the Bible.

I’d go to church, and I’d be praising and praising God, and tears would be just falling down my face, I’d be so filled with the Spirit and with so much LOVE.

I could go on and on about the “religious experience” I had, but you get the hint.

So this went on for a few months, and then I slowly felt it ebbing away. It was the most tremendous shock of my life-I thought God had abandoned me! The “closeness” and the “connection” slowly went away.

Ok, here’s the problem. I have a lot of emotional issues, and am unable to take medications because of the side effects. I have Bipolar disorder, OCD, ADD, severe anxiety disorders, and I have a very low IQ and memory problems, as well as a ton of physical problems.

And I am totally unable to believe that I am saved. It’s like something is BLOCKING me from believing.

I keep thinking about the Bible verses that say that God chooses who will be saved, and then He closes the eyes and ears and hearts of those who will perish.

I want to believe that I am saved, more than anything in the world-I want to BE saved more than anything in the world. I have seen people get saved, and they change into a new person….casting out demons, laying hands on people and they get healed, praying, preaching, etc……WHY is it so hard for me?

I have gone to several different churches for help. I have had countless pastors and friends praying over me. I have gone through Deliverance, and every week I do “inner healing” with a wonderful Christian friend.

I hear voices in my head, cussing God out. I think horrible thoughts about people, and have really bad unchristian thoughts about people.

I’m trying to show fruits, but it’s all an ACT. If anyone could read my thoughts, they would know I was not a true Christian.
I have this obsession with wanting to DO things for God, and I know I have fallen from grace because I kept thinking I was going to lose my salvation because I had done something stupid like eat shrimp or work on the Sabbath.

Yes, I KNOW we are saved by grace and all that, but my mind literally is unable to accept it.

I KNOW that Jesus is the Son of God. I KNOW that He came to earth, died for our sins, and rose again 3 days later and is seated at the right hand of God. I KNOW that all good things come from God. I KNOW that the miracles I see are from God.

But I also know that I do not have the peace and faith that other Christians have. I am moody, irritable, and have NO faith whatsoever.

I have made myself sick with worry, and I have an ulcer right now because of the stress of not being able to truly be saved.

I have gone to both of my pastors, as well as other strong Christian friends, and asked them about more Deliverance, and each one says that they do NOT “sense” a demon in me at all.

I have also had two more visions recently, and have fallen out in the spirit a lot at church.

Those things, and what I experienced when I asked for forgiveness a couple of years ago makes me think that I MUST be saved, for those things to happen……

But then I think of things like this…..
1. I have never felt forgiven. I have not felt that “burden” lifted off my back like so many people talk about.
2. I have voices cussing out God in my head all the time.
3.I do not look forward anymore to Jesus coming back-I live in TERROR of Him coming back.
4.I have tried to get God to love me by “works”.
5. No matter how hard I try to give God the glory, it’s still “all about me”, instead of all about God.

There is no way that what happened to me two years ago was not from God. No way. The things that happened to me were right out of the Bible, even though I had not read the bible since I was a small kid.

But it’s all gone now, and I don’t even feel love for God anymore, and instead of love for other people, I feel nothing but irritation and judgemental thoughts towards other people. I beg God to forgive me for these thoughts, but I keep having them.

I BEG God to save me. I BEG Jesus to come into my heart. I read countless books and articles on salvation, and I just can’t make it personal for me. I cannot make forgivness of my sins, assurance of salvation, and repentance all click together in my brain at one time.

I know that believing that Jesus is the Son of God is not enough-I know that demons believe, and shudder.

I know that repentance is not enough, because anyone can repent of their sins.

I know that many people believe they are going to Heaven, when they really aren’t.

I have been told that all these things have to happen at one time, simultaenously, to be saved.

I spend every minute of the day that I am away, begging God to forgive me for the thoughts in my head, and begging Him to allow me to have faith. BEGGING to be saved. BEGGING for assurance of salvation if I am saved.

I am terrified, and have no peace whatsover. I read my Bible constantly, but I just cannot believe that I am saved, and I am SICK with worry. All I want to do is to sleep because I have so disappointed God by trying to please Him and because of the thoughts in my head, and because I want to be saved SO BAD.

Someone please help me-I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I’m going insane with the stress of trying to get saved. I feel HORRIBLE jealousy for Christians.

I think I never got truly saved, but what on earth was that religious experience I had? It was similar to what Paul experienced on the road to Damascus! I’ve had dreams about Jesus, falling out in the Spirit at church, several visions, etc……yet I really don’t think I have trusted Jesus with salvation.

Do you think that maybe I did get saved at first, and then God took it away from me because I had not read the Bible enough and cannot get past the belief that I have to DO something to earn my salvation? That’s certainly not trusting Jesus with my salvation, is it?

HELP!

[Not3in1]

Bro, listen, we have a peace that passes all understanding that is available to us. This tells me that there will be times when our minds play tricks on us (cruel tricks).

We cannot do anymore than Jesus has already done for us. So relax. You are saved (you only need to be saved once). If your emotions are not reliable, then don't rely on them. Just trust God even if you don't “feel” him. If inside voices are telling you things that are contrary to what you know of God – immediately call them what they are – Liars!! Begin to just sing that simple song….

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. There's just something about that name….
Master. Savior. Jesus. Like the fragrance after the rain…..

Or some other song you know. And relax….God does love you. You are his beloved, and always will be.

No worries.
Love,
Mandy

[Maranatha]

Thanks! Yes, I already know that God LOVES me.
I just have somehow not come to full conversion. I know this without a doubt. I need to know if I can still do this, and HOW, if God does not seem to want to save me. I do not believe in Universalism……I am a Calvanist. I know that God does not choose to save everyone, and that some people are created to be vessels of honor, and others are created to be vessels of wrath.

I think God created me to be a vessel of wrath, and I need to know how to deal with it the rest of my life. I have an ulcer, I am so incredibly stressed over this. I just want to die because of the stress I am under. No, I won't commit suicide-that's not an option.

I have been praying that God will kill me soon for quite awhile now. But I'm being kept alive to be sick with ulcers and stress, it looks like.

[Lightenup]

Maranatha,
I'm sorry you are feeling so desperate. Is it possible that you have not forgiven yourself? God has forgiven you and you need to forgive yourself. Mandy gave you some good advice when she said to replace your wrong thoughts with the truth in song. Play praise music often, the kind that will help you rest and bring joy to you. God knows your heart and you have expressed your heart here. Your heart believes in Jesus as your Lord and longs for Him. Hold on to that and realize that God loves you right where you are. He is sufficient to not let you go. He will not forsake you. Hold on to God's promises and not experiences. Our experiences are very subjective. Cling to the truth that is in scripture. If you think that you have a demon that is tormenting you then claim the blood of Jesus and His victory and command the demon to leave in Jesus' name every time that you feel that torment then move your thoughts towards praising the Lord out loud or quietly. It sounds like professional help would be a good idea also if you can find the right professional.

I will pray for you Maranatha,
God loves you,
Kathi

[942767]

Hi Maranatha:

According to your testimony, God spoke to you and told you that he loves you and that you will be with Him in heaven.

And so, yes you are saved.  Have you followed this experience with water baptism?  This is a public demonstation of your faith in what God has done for you in the person of Jesus Christ.  He is the propitation for your sins, and water baptism symbolizes your union with him in his death burial and resurrection.

When you are saved and your sins are washed away, the unclean spirit is gone, and as you testified, you hated all of the things that you had been doing, but then these unclean spirits try to come back.  Thoughts will come, but tell God that you are going to serve Him and resist the temptation to go back to doing what you used to do.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

Ask God to help you to live and be the person that He would have you to be, and begin to put His Word into practice.  If you fail, acknowledge that you have failed, and ask God to forgive you, and get up and try again.  Repentance does not only mean that you are sorry, but means that you have turned from your sin and are going to put God's Word into practice, and if you are striving to obey, you are saved because the Word of God states that you are regardless if your thoughts and feelings are saying something to the contrary.

The Word of God states that you are saved if you believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that God has raised him again from the dead, but believing is not just a mental assent.  It means that you believe with a repentant heart.

When a baby begins to try to walk, that baby will fall several times, but will get up and try again until that baby finally overcomes and begins walking without falling, and such is the Christian walk.

I am going to post a couple of scriptures that may help:

Quote

Phl 4:6   Be careful for nothing(Meaning don't worry about anything. Try to focus on the fact that God said that He loves you and that you will be with Him in heaven); but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.   Phl 4:7   And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.   Phl 4:8 ¶ Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.

When you get up in the morning, begin with a prayer asking God to lead you and guide you in all that you do and say that it may be according to His will, and I am also, asking God to help you.

Also, begin to study the Word of God focusing on the New Testament for now.

I hope this helps.  Let me know if there is any thing else that I can do for you.

Love in Christ,
Marty

[Cindy]

Hi Maranatha! Welcome to this site. I really have not much to add what was said by Mandy, Kathi and Marty. It is Satan that wants you to go back to what you did before and He hates what you did. So in Jesus Name force Him out, and I believe in time He will leave you somewhat alone. We came out of the Catholic Church and Satan hated that we did, and He bothered me especially a lot in the beginning. He has to leave though if you ask Him in Jesus Name. I also believe that you need to take your Medication for your Bipolar. My Son's girlfriend's daughter has that, and going of the Med. is not good. Pray, Pray, Pray and I believe in my Heart that God will help you. Singing Christians songs help me a lot, try that too. I have a tread with Songs and I will bring that up for you if you want to. It is in the Messages Tread.
We wish you good Luck and pray for you in Jesus Name, Amen
Peace and Love Irene

[Maranatha]

Thank you for the replies everyone!

Kathy-“professional help” is not an option-the side effects of those medicines are much worse than depression, etc.

Marty-I've been baptized 3 times already.

I read my Bible every morning, every night, and all during the day, whenever I get a chance. I carry a NT in my pocket, a full bible in my purse, one in my car, and a full bible around with me. I have HUNDREDS of verses written on index cards.

At church tonight, this very spirit filled guy laid hands on me and cast out my depression and said that God told him He was going to heal me.

I'm going to stand on that!

[Cindy]

Quote (Maranatha @ July 30 2009,15:21)

Thank you for the replies everyone!   Kathy-“professional help” is not an option-the side effects of those medicines are much worse than depression, etc. Marty-I've been baptized 3 times already.   I read my Bible every morning, every night, and all during the day, whenever I get a chance.  I carry a NT in my pocket, a full bible in my purse, one in my car, and a full bible around with me.  I have HUNDREDS of verses written on index cards. At church tonight, this very spirit filled guy laid hands on me and cast out my depression and said that God told him He was going to heal me. I'm going to stand on that!

I hope for you that it is right, that God will heal you. However I would not be to disappointed if nothing happens. Just like Paul wanted God to take the pain in His side away, and God did not do so. I too have been laid Hands on many times in the past, because I have Lupus and C.O.P. D. now. God did not heal me yet. But I am still alive and seen all our Grandchildren get born. What a blessing that is. Lupus patients usually don't live more then 15-20 years after they have been diagnosed with that Disease. It is 31 years since I was diagnosed. Praise the LORD.
Peace and Love Irene

[Lightenup]

Maranatha,
Professional help also comes in the form of counseling not just meds. I hope you are doing better.

Love,

Kathi

[942767]

Quote (Maranatha @ July 30 2009,15:21)

Thank you for the replies everyone!   Kathy-“professional help” is not an option-the side effects of those medicines are much worse than depression, etc. Marty-I've been baptized 3 times already.   I read my Bible every morning, every night, and all during the day, whenever I get a chance.  I carry a NT in my pocket, a full bible in my purse, one in my car, and a full bible around with me.  I have HUNDREDS of verses written on index cards. At church tonight, this very spirit filled guy laid hands on me and cast out my depression and said that God told him He was going to heal me. I'm going to stand on that!

Hi Maranatha:

The scriptures state that if any one is sick among us that they should call the elders of the church and have them pray for us in faith and that God will heal us, and so, yes, stand by faith that God will heal you through that person who laid hands on you.

My desire is God's very best for you. Let me know if I can help in any way.

The battleground for your soul is in the mind, and so, resist the devil and he will flee from you.

Love in Christ,
Marty

[Not3in1]

Quote (Maranatha @ July 30 2009,01:47)

Thanks!  Yes, I already know that God LOVES me. I just have somehow not come to full conversion.     I know this without a doubt.    I need to know if I can still do this, and HOW, if God does not seem to want to save me.   I do not believe in Universalism……I am a Calvanist.  I know that God does not choose to save everyone, and that some people are created to be vessels of honor, and others are created to be vessels of wrath. I think God created me to be a vessel of wrath, and I need to know how to deal with it the rest of my life.   I have an ulcer, I am so incredibly stressed over this.  I just want to die because of the stress I am under.  No, I won't commit suicide-that's not an option.   I have been praying that God will kill me soon for quite awhile now.   But I'm being kept alive to be sick with ulcers and stress, it looks like.

Hello again,

Just checking in with you……

Hoping that the peace that passes our understanding has found it's way into your heart? Jesus loves you so…. The Father sent him because he loved us…..

As for guessing if we were created for joy or wrath – good Lord help us all! Don't spend another minute going down that path of confusion and oppression. JESUS CAME TO SET US FREE. So whether we are for joy or humble purposes, we are free. And who Christ has made free, they are free indeed.

You ask “how” can you make sure or know that you are saved? And I would answer by reminding you that it is impossible to please God without faith. We live by simple faith. We believe that we are saved.

Of course we know the one who would like to keep us bound, and he is a LIAR. Don't believe him, my sister. Look to the cross. Look to the heart of Jesus. You are saved. You will be with him in paradise. In fact, I'll see you there okay?

Love to you,
Mandy

[Maranatha]

Quote (Cindy @ July 30 2009,15:38)

Quote (Maranatha @ July 30 2009,15:21) Thank you for the replies everyone!   Kathy-“professional help” is not an option-the side effects of those medicines are much worse than depression, etc. Marty-I've been baptized 3 times already.   I read my Bible every morning, every night, and all during the day, whenever I get a chance.  I carry a NT in my pocket, a full bible in my purse, one in my car, and a full bible around with me.  I have HUNDREDS of verses written on index cards. At church tonight, this very spirit filled guy laid hands on me and cast out my depression and said that God told him He was going to heal me. I'm going to stand on that! I hope for you that it is right, that God will heal you.  However I would not be to disappointed if nothing happens.  Just like Paul wanted God to take the pain in His side away, and God did not do so.  I too have been laid Hands on many times in the past, because I have Lupus and C.O.P. D. now. God did not heal me yet.  But I am still alive and seen all our Grandchildren get born.  What a blessing that is.  Lupus patients usually don't live more then 15-20 years after they have been diagnosed with that Disease.  It is 31 years since I was diagnosed.  Praise the LORD. Peace and Love Irene

I'm sorry that you have Lupus-I know how hard that must be for you to live with! Yes, God does not always heal us in this lifetime….sometimes He does, but other times He just gives us the grace to deal with our sicknesses.

Paul still had his thorn in his side because God had brought him to Heaven, and He did not want him to become too proud by what he saw there, and that he was chosen to visit….so God continued to allow him to have the pain in his side.

There was a REASON for his thorn. There may be a reason that you have Lupus too…..or it may be that God is going to heal you soon.

But I know that you cannot go to church and ask people to lay hands on you to heal you of Lupus, and then leave the building and tell people…”yeah, I have Lupus”…..because God may wanted to heal you and you put it right back on yourself.

The Bible tells us that life and death are in the power of the tongue! And God also told the people that they would recieve what they claimed with their mouth.

There is a difference in someone laying hands on a person who is sick, and someone who lays hands on them and God tells that person that He is going to heal them…….

For instance….my pastor shared a story with us once. He said that he was talking to a friend who had revealed that he had a tumor on his kidney. He expressed his sympathy and started to walk off….but the Holy Spirit told him to go back and lay hands on the guy. He said He was going to heal his cancer. So he walked back and laid his hand where the tumor was, and he literally felt God heal him right then!

Now, if he had prayed for the guy without God first telling him that he was going to-he may or may not have gotten healed. But I believe it's different when God TELLS you that He wants to heal you!

He may or may not have healed me Wednesday….He may wait awhile before He does it, I don't know. But I know that He is going to heal my depression, because I know that the guy who cast out the demon is a true Christian who is very spirit filled-he had Bipolar disorder himself, and God healed him from it! If he told me that God wants to heal me, then I'm going to believe it, because God does not lie.

[Cindy]

Maranatha! Thank you for your reply. I hope for your sake God will hreal you. I am also happu that your faith is strong and you are sure of yourself. As far as I am concerned, I have been layed hands on by true Christians, but I have excepted that God has not healed me of my Lupus. What He did for me is much more important then the physical healung. I have been still alive for so many years. He has shown me so many truths. I am forever ” Thankful for that.” He could have left me in the Catholic Church. He called us out of that Church. What a Great God and Savior we have.
Peace and Love Irene

[karmarie]

Maranatha, I hope you are doing better. Remember that sometimes you need to just be still.
Calm down. Have some patience, And give this time…You can return to just what you had. Or actually even better.

This worked for me and maybe it could for you too.
Read the commands in the sheppard of hermas (I dont know why but it just works) . Its here https://heavennet.net/writings/shepherofhermas.htm (scroll down the page to …II Hermas – Second Book: Commandments or Mandates, and read the commandments, print it if you can). Then pray to God and ask forgivness for anything you can think of. (after reading that part of Hermas). And ask God to help you to make room again for the spirit of righteousness.

peace and love to you.

[Not3in1]

A dear friend of mine gave me this poem last night, perhaps it will ease your mind?

Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Christianity is flawed, not at it's core (who is Jesus), but with it's rules and regs. It's the fear of punishment that robs the joys of living. So sad….. So sad. Jesus would not want us to live in the shadow of this kind of fear. Otherwise, his death has meant nothing. Loving God, and loving people is all it takes. Not triple baptisms, the right church, and on and on. Love. And love cast out fear.

Love,
Mandy

[karmarie]

There is so much truth in what you said Mandy.

Maranatha, I know exactly what you mean. I have been there. About 3 years ago I was suddenly overwhelmed by the Lord. It was like there I was, going about my day like allways and suddenly from then on God was there. For no apparent reason. Teaching me. Showing me so many things. I felt all of this love for people crying my heart out at sad things I saw, giving away what I had, witnessing Gods miracles, I would pray and feel God there in front of me and in me, I had visions of being taken up under Gods wings. Pure love. No fear. Words just cant explain at all what happened to me.

Then it started to go. I became lost. For about one year. I became so far gone that I stopped praying, stopped feeling love for humanity, I became so lost that I really thought I would never get it back. But I have. And not only have I got it back , but it is even clearer now what happened. My first problem had been anger, and frustration.Cold people and opposite opinions over things like humanity, doctrines, and beliefs, and anger over little things like a medical problem I have, and anger over something that happened to my daughter, and then I started to lose faith. Prayers went unanswered because I started to doubt. I was also reading the opinions on the internet and in books of false prophets and even athiests, which caused me to start to question things. I was too busy searching for God out there- for the right church, doctrines, people, that I lost what I had day by day. I satrted sinning. Looking at other men, and drinking out of anger and confusion and fear. I had pushed out the spirit of love, Gods spirit and listened instead to the spirit of unrighteousness, because the good spirit gets overwhelmed by the bad and it leaves. But it can come back. I read Book 2 of The sheppard of Hermas one day while sorting through my old folders, and I believe I was meant to have picked that up and read it because it explained all of the above. And I went down on my knees and asked God to forgive me for my anger and lust and wickedness and asked God to allow the spirit of righteousness back into my life. And from that moment on I have returned to what I had. I am with God. I am feeling love and compassion. I am no longer angry. And when I do feel angry, I go away alone and ask God to fill me with patience. And I understand I am being tempted, and that we all face attacks in so many ways, but God can help us to conquer. So easily.

I hope this makes sense. I read your story, and I knew what you are going through. I find it hard to explain myself, Im allways so scared I may say the wrong thing to people. But I just had to let you know that you can come through this.There is hope. Dont let anyone put you the wrong way. Listen to God -and only God. The world has become a very confusing place, we are in the days of the falling away from the truth, and only God can lead you safely. Rest in him. Stop letting people lead you, let God lead you and bring you back. God still loves you, be assured of that. That is why he called you in the first place.

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, so all those who believe on him, shall not perish, but have eternal life.

[Cindy]

Welcome to Heaven Net Forum. karmarie! I read your story and I was amazed how similar that is to

Maranatha's Story. Thank you for bringing it to us. I believe that so many of us have to learn to not

listen to Humans. Some advice is good, as long as it does not interfere with God and His Love.

Listening to a Atheist certainly would be wrong. We have one his name is Stu. He can only post in

the unbelievers section.

Peace and Love Irene

[karmarie]

Yes that is right, thankyou for your kind welcome Cindy.

[glad tidings]

Hi Marantha,

I read your post, and a thought came to my mind that perhaps would be helpful. Do you have a mentor? Someone who lives close, or perhaps shares a common space at work, or that you see – or could see – often that is more stable in his/her faith? I know for me, it helps to have somebody that I can give accountablility to, or that I have accountability with. It think it's important for all Christians, regardless of title, to have someone with whom they can confide with with the personal details of day to day living. It helps to keep us honest with our time.

Do you have a job? Are you working from day to day. Idleness is one of the things Paul warns the Thessalonica believers about. It makes it hard to control the mind (and thus the thoughts that originate in the mind) when we're not working. When I say work, I mean more than just a 9 – 5 routine, and then retiriing to the PM hours with the goal of rewarding oneself with lust (i.e. TV…even if it's good programming, food, hobbies, etc) When I say work, I'm talking about having the goal of supporting not just yourself, but a least one other less mature person (i.e., financially, with ministy of the Word, etc.) I believe spiritual maturity has a lot to do with this, and I know from experience that the joy of the Lord accompanies this lifestyle.

Hope this helps.. Pat

[Cindy]

Hello Pat!  Welcome I have not seen you post yet.  I agree with some what you said, however being to busy is not good either.  Then you don't think of God at all.  Being 70 and retired I personal find the time free to do what I want to.  If I want to go to Heaven Net at 2 in the morning if I can't sleep, I can do that, and sleep whenever I want.  So we don't know how old Maranatha is, unless She will reveal it to us.  Thank you again and I hope you will post again in other treads also.
Peace and Love Irene

[Author]

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